Hmm - It's un-courgettable contains no courgette - for the garden-fresh natural lunch

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Hmm - It's un-courgettable (contains no courgette) - for the garden-fresh natural lunch."The fast-food companies claim they're only offering choice, but they're extremely difficult to resist. So as well as burgers, kids will be offered "courgette nuggets - essence of courgette extract pulped and dipped in a scrumptious caramel sauce and rolled in 27 different flavours of toffee. MacDonald's even sponsored a Labour conference, so the state of school meals is unlikely to change much.They might have to make the odd concession, but that just means fast-food "healthy options". If they saw something working efficiently because the staff involved had a passion for providing a service, Blair would be utterly confused, muttering, "But where does the profit come out?", like an old person studying an iPod and trying to work out where the CD goes.

Advanced classes will be told "A fascinating rule in geometry is that TriAngles Never Go Obtuse - or to remember it simply - Tango - the bubbly beverage that puts the fizz back into fizzics."New Labour believes fervently that nothing can move unless someone's making a profit. Because for the next three weeks it's double-portions madness - two full meals for one and a free toy - so from now until the end of April - two times £3.17 equals £3.17."Now, if you bite a chicken nugget in half, what percentage remains? The answer is "110 per cent crunchy munchy goodness". Maths teachers will ask, "If a Big Whopper costs £1.49, and a Thick Shake costs 89p, and fries are 79p a portion, how much will it cost for two portions of all three?" The bright kid will yell "£6.34, sir", and be told: "No. And Labour have been just as keen on privatisation so they've left it like that, saving local authorities an average £154m a year through "competitive pressure". So school dinners are now full of cheap, sugary, addictive muck.We'll probably discover next that the fast-food companies are sponsoring lessons. Someone should get the two women who do How Clean Is Your House? to go round hospitals and inform him the wards are filthy.

Then Blair will announce he'd never heard of MRSA until their remarkable work, and then Peter Kay can expose how he got to Amarillo three hours late on a Virgin Train because of unscheduled engineering works, and bit by bit we'll get the country mended.One possible cause for the current state of school meals is that 20 years ago the provision of them was put out to tender by the Tories. And stale pizza and crisps and nachos that come with a sauce the colour of a 1960s playboy's settee. Anyone in Downing Street will tell you they are nowhere near as imperious as perceived If only they were, they add weakly. Similarly, Howard will not be feeling particularly mighty at the moment as an ungrateful party gets awkward at the worst possible moment.The confused political mood is shifting once more. I predict that Blair's successor will respond to the trauma of Iraq by promising to publish any future advice on the legality of a conflict while strengthening the powers of the Cabinet, Parliament and party. Howard's potential successors are already planning to make much of the importance they attach to local Conservative associations.