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Pop into Damas Gate for a routine grocery round-up and you may well find that you leave with some

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Pop into Damas Gate for a routine grocery round-up and you may well find that you leave with some freshly made aubergine salad and a few tins of baba ghannouge, as well as the cornflakes you originally went in for. Watch Camilla's face as she takes in Po hanging in doorway and 60 people very much worse for wear swaying with embarrassment Suddenly, Anna lurches forward "Dylan," she shouts, too loud "Got to tell you. His idea of being romantic is taking a bath once a month.4.12am: Unpleasant slurping noise in doorway.4.13am: Flick on light. Deafening shout of "SURPRISE!" Surprise is something of an understatement for Dylan, who is being groped by posh- looking skinny girl Dylan looks freaked out "This is, erm, Camilla," he says. Environmental health officers turn up because of noise complaint Can they speak to person who lives here "He's in the toilet," I say. They say they'll wait and could the music be turned down about 40 decibels, please.3.40am: Send Dylan's brother to pretend to be Dylan Seems to work Music cranked up again within seconds Anna wandering around party going on about The Earl. Tell her to either say who it is or shut-up.4.10am: "Dylan's coming!" shouts someone Music off, lights off Hear fumbling in lock and low voices, one female Surely, Dylan hasn't pulled? Women flee from him.

Be cool." Offer Anna line of speed to sober her up and remind her about post-Diana press intrusion issue.3.30am: Someone has indulged auto-erotic fantasies by hanging Po the Teletubbie from leather-belt noose in doorway. Was quite cute." Starts giggling like maniac, then goes deadly serious. "News of World want to do story and give me bucketsofcash." I look at her sternly "Anna," I say, hand shaking slightly as try to skin up "You're a few months off qualifying as a barrister It might not look great on your CV." She shrugs "Fuck law," she says "Can take money and go round world for couple years. someone else..." At that moment, spot big guy with dreads poised over hash birthday cake with penknife. Disable his knife-wielding arm using self-defence tactics.3.10am: "Will listen to meeee," says Anna.

Then something which sounds like "shagged-the-earl" followed by indistinct muttering about tabloid reporters.3.11am: "Who have you shagged?" I ask "Topsecret," says Anna "When?" I ask, incredulous "Years ago, for laugh Notmyfault. "It's time to let go of the whole Miles thing and get on with your life." She shakes her head drunkenly "'S'nothing to do with Miles," she says "'S'about a long time ago... Can sense imminent "Miles-was-the-love- of-my-life-and-now-he's-married-to-someone-else" crisis. Me and Vikram try to cheer her up by doing comedy helium voices and making Teletubbies engage in group sex. 1am: Still no sign of birthday boy Have to let DJs start turntables to avoid mass insurrection Vodka jelly stock being slowly depleted Special Recipe Cocktail barely covering bottom of the bath.

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