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That's what it says on the invitation to a press conference tomorrow morning

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That's what it says on the invitation to a press conference tomorrow morning organised by The Christian Channel, which has been broadcasting on satellite and cable for the last couple of years between the hours of 4am and 7am. It's the brainchild of a South African husband and wife team, Rory and Wendy Alec, who arrived in this country six years ago having apparently heard the call from God that Britain was crying out for a channel devoted to Himself. The mix of wholesome children's programmes, church services, drama productions and a studio- based show is currently available to around 7 million homes, and while there are no official figures for how many people actually watch the channel, their PR man, Paul Cunningham, estimates they have around half a million viewers. He didn't display his knees, but he offered honeyed words to the dissatisfied Tory ladies. "The role women have played in our party has been vital to our past success and will be absolutely crucial to our revival in the future," he smarmed. "We are determined to see more women in every part of the party.

" When he finished, his words were greeted with roughly 10 seconds of applause, which in Tory terms can be considered little more than a ripple. If Cecil and his chums aren't careful, they could be finding arsenic in their fairy cakes in the very near future.The TV channel known as GodJournalists get invited to a lot of things, but it's not often they're invited to breakfast with God. "I've had one lady who lifted her skirt to show us her knees and she alienated both the men and the women on the selection committee."At the end of the day, Central Office played its very own sex card when Cecil Parkinson arrived to make the closing speech. "Peta, I'll pitch my cake against yours any day." Despite the fact that Mr Norman once worked for Asda, it has to be said that his attempt to identify with the rank and file had a hollow ring to it.Back on the floor, one delegate had some words of advice for prospective Conservative candidates in the audience "Please don't play the sex card," she advises. "I think it's terribly easy to be negative about things," he said at one point in the face of this mass dissension, but of course he promised the women's views would be taken into account when the blokes all got together at a later date and decided what to do with the party. "And I'd just like to take up the issue of fairy cakes," he said, possibly for the very first and probably the very last time in his career.

Conservative women don't want special treatment, they just want "a level playing field".Archie Norman, the smooth and fresh-faced Conservative Party Vice Chairman with Responsibility for Nothing in Particular, had been drafted in to answer the women's points. Their suggestion is that when potential candidates are interviewed, at least 25 per cent should be female But the ladies are in general not in favour of this idea. It soon became clear at the conference that the best way to raise a cheer was to announce you were opposed to positive discrimination. Mrs Buscombe proposed actively headhunting dynamic young women all over the country, but there was a certain amount of suspicion from the sandwich-makers in the audience about this.

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